


look what you made of me

by amsves



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Gen, Literal Sleeping Together, Mild Angst, Mild Fluff, Spoilers for "Akito the Exiled", Suzaku's perspective on what the fuck's going on, alternate POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 00:30:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10628394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amsves/pseuds/amsves
Summary: “Suzaku,” Lelouch—no, he’s Julius now—Julius groans again, like he’s dying of thirst, even though Suzaku just refilled his water pitcher five minutes ago.(The journey of Lelouch as Julius and Suzaku as himself throughout the Akito the Exiled movies.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "The Devil Within" by Digital Daggers, which isn't necessarily the recommended listening for this fic but is a good song in general.
> 
> The recommended listening for this fic is actually [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hkr98q6CwUQ) amazing mashup on YouTube.

VI.  
  
Suzaku _really_ wishes that Julius would stop begging for water.  
  
There’s fucking water right in front of him, for God’s sake! Well, to be fair, it’s spilled on the table, but maybe if he’d stop flailing around like a madman, like he’s lost control of his limbs, then he’d stop knocking it over all the damn time. Suzaku swears he’ll go just as mad as Julius if he has to fetch the latter another pitcher of water just to see it fall to the ground one more goddamn time—  
  
“Suzaku,” a familiar voice croaks.  
  
Suzaku’s frown is a permanent fixture on his face, has been ever since his audience with the Emperor. He can understand why the Emperor would be loathe to let such a valuable tool go to waste, can see why the Emperor chose to recreate his son, but he also knows that the Emperor severely underestimated how fucking _annoying_ his son would be.  
  
“Suzaku,” Lelouch—no, he’s _Julius_ now—Julius groans again, like he’s dying of thirst, even though Suzaku just refilled his water pitcher _five minutes ago_. Honestly, if this were anyone else, Suzaku would probably feel sorry for them. Julius is pitiful, a hollow shell of a man quivering with mania as his memories war inside his mind and reduce him to a pitiful excuse for a human. But Julius is really Lelouch, even if Suzaku is the only one who knows, even if Julius himself doesn’t know, and Lelouch committed far too many atrocities for Suzaku to ever feel anything like pity for his once-friend ever again. Julius is barely a man, barely human, but Lelouch discarded his humanity long ago in favor of bloodshed and senseless violence.  
  
“Su-suzaku,” Lelouch— _Julius_ breathes, gritting his teeth. Suzaku casts one more gaze of disgust upon the _murderer_ before exiting the train car, leaving Julius alone.  
  
V.  
  
Suzaku had begun to wonder how much of Julius really resembled Lelouch.  
  
Since Julius spent most of his time in agony, clutching his eyepatch and muttering nonsensical gibberish, it was hard to get a grasp on his personality. It wasn’t until they arrived in St. Petersburg that Suzaku saw who Julius really was—or, rather, who Julius really believed he was. He who, just moments prior, had been clutching his left eye and groaning in agony now confidently proclaimed his military genius. And then, during their audience with the Grand Duke, he refused to kneel. Suzaku watched in horror as Julius simply _smirked_ , and he was pretty sure they were dead right then and there.  
  
One thing was for sure: Lelouch wasn’t normally this flippant. He was too afraid to be. If a noble looked too hard, too long at his face, he could be discovered, either as Zero or as the lost prince. Quiet superiority suited his friend more than brazen irreverence.  
  
Julius was the opposite, flaunting his power and position with every step. It took Suzaku a while to understand, but the truth was clear: Julius was who Lelouch was _meant_ to be. Julius was who Lelouch could have been in a different life, if he hadn’t been cast out of the imperial family and abandoned in Area Eleven. In a way, Julius and Zero were similar, as well: each favored a blatant disregard for rules, and were inclined towards showy ways of demonstrating it.  
  
But seeing the parallels between his ex-friend and his current charge made Suzaku uncomfortable, angry, _disgusted_ , and strangely saddened. This was the Lelouch that could have been if he hadn’t been dealt such an unfair hand.  
  
Suzaku closed the case housing the Imperial Scepter and left the throne room of the Grand Duke.  
  
IV.  
  
As their stay in St. Petersburg draws on, Suzaku finds more of Lelouch in Julius.  
  
The first night, at the dinner table, Suzaku stands at attention as Lel— _Julius_ sits down at the head of the table. Julius begins to eat, and then looks up, confused. “Come, Suzaku,” he beckons, “And sit down with me.”  
  
Suzaku declines, and Julius looks almost hurt for a moment before he shrugs it off. “Suit yourself, Knight of Seven.”  
  
But that casual invitation, like it had been weird for Suzaku _not to_ eat with Julius, stays with him for several days.  
  
Julius also shares Lelouch’s passion for reading. The place in which they are staying has a fairly impressive library, and Julius spends every free moment of their first several days holed up in the back corner with six or seven books on strategy, war, and/or history. Oftentimes, Suzaku has to remind him to eat.  
  
He finds Julius in the library one day around lunchtime. There is nothing unusual about today; Suzaku is carrying a silver tray, upon which has been placed a sandwich, an apple, and a glass of water by the cook. He delivers lunch to Julius in the libraries most days; his normal routine is to place the tray down beside the young lord and leave as quickly as he’d come. Today is a day like all others. He carries his usual silver tray, upon which has been placed Julius’ usual lunch. He finds Julius in his usual hiding spot; books of his usual calibre are scattered around him.  
  
And yet, today is different. When Suzaku finds the young lord, he is asleep, curled up on the floor in the sunlight, a stack of books for his pillow.  
  
Suzaku nearly drops his tray.  
  
In his several days of caring for Julius, he’s never seen the other man sleep, not once. He’s seen Julius faint from exhaustion, whether from the mental war waging in his head or from lack of physical respite, but he’s never seen Julius look so … relaxed.  
  
So relaxed, in fact, that a thin string of drool is creeping out of his mouth.  
  
Suzaku can hardly believe that Julius can look so normal, so young, so innocent. Watching him sleep like this, one would never guess that the man upon which their gaze is focused has slaughtered millions of innocent lives.  
  
Suzaku realizes, belatedly, that watching Julius sleep is, in fact, _creepy_ , and places the tray beside Julius’ snoozing figure. The metal clangs softly against the floorboards; Suzaku winces. He’d hoped not to wake Julius.  
  
Julius’ eyelashes flutter rapidly, but he does not wake. Suzaku breathes a sigh of relief, casts one last (almost fond, but he’ll never admit that, not even to himself) gaze upon the sleeping face which he recognizes so clearly and loved— _loved_ , as in past tense—so dearly, and departs.  
  
III.  
  
Suzaku takes back that whole ‘innocent’ thing.  
  
Julius has just proposed a plan which involves the loss of millions of civilians without batting an eye (and indeed, he only has one to bat).  
  
His terrorism tactic had worked well; the EU is in a panicked state of disarray and darkness. Now is the perfect time to strike. Truly, His Majesty must be proud of his son, even begrudgingly; his military genius surpasses all other. Suzaku had even felt a grudging sense of pride for his friend.  
  
And then Julius had to go and ruin it.  
  
Suzaku wishes he could just let Grand Duke Velaines punch the shit out of Le— _Julius_ , but he can’t, and he delivers a spinning kick to the perpetrator. Assaulting Sir Kingsley is tantamount to treason, after all, in the sense that Sir Kingsley is acting _in persona Charles._ As annoying as Julius may be, he still must be protected.  
  
Besides, it feels wrong to have anyone but Suzaku assault Le— _Julius_. That’s Suzaku’s job.  
  
II.  
  
Chess, too, is an important parallel between Lelouch and Julius.  
  
Suzaku should really stop being surprised at how similar the two are, given that _they’re the same person_. Or, technically speaking, _that Julius does not really exist_.  
  
Julius seems to be becoming self-aware, seems to notice at times that he’s a construct, that he’s an imposter living in Lelouch’s body. An already delicate experiment, the slightest things, and sometimes nothing at all, can trigger a fit. Suzaku hopes that the war is finished soon enough; at this rate of deterioration, Lelouch will resurface in just a few weeks, if not sooner.  
  
His Majesty’s greatest experiment will eventually end in failure.  
  
The question is not, has never been whether or not Lelouch will regain his memories. The question has always been _when_ , whether it would be before or after the conclusion of the war, whether he would lie dormant long enough for the plan to work.  
  
Suzaku had been fairly confident, if not steadfast, in his belief that it would be enough.  
  
It appears he was wrong.  
  
Julius summons Grand Master Shaing for a friendly (well, not really friendly, but certainly not hostile) game of chess. He wins. Easily. He even proclaims his perpetual loyalty for the Emperor.  
  
And then, in the subsequent seconds, everything goes to shit.  
  
Lelouch sweeps the chess pieces, as well as his glass of wine, off of the table, staggers away from the board, collapses to the floor, clutching his face, pulling his hair, muttering to himself. Lord Shaing wears an expression of self-triumph, like his suspicions have been confirmed, and then everything _really_ goes to shit.  
  
Lord Shaing knows that Julius is Zero.  
  
He knows that he’s been brainwashed, been repurposed for the Britannian military.  
  
Which means that not only does he know Zero’s identity, but he also knows about Geass.  
  
Suzaku knows what he must do.  
  
He must eliminate Lord Shaing.  
  
He fails. Terribly.  
  
But, hey, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter who killed Shaing, just that Shaing was, in fact, killed. Which he was.  
  
Suzaku breathes a sigh of relief, which instantly proves to be a mistake because _oh shit_.  
  
Julius is dead.  
  
And Lelouch has taken back his rightful place.  
  
I.  
  
They’re in jail.  
  
The fool who put Suzaku and Jul—no, he’s Lelouch now—in the same cell is going to be fired, because Suzaku is _this fucking close_ to killing his ex-friend right here and now.  
  
And then Lelouch has the _audacity_ to ask for water.  
  
Suzaku gets up very slowly, and makes his way to the water pitcher. He pours a glass and hands it to Lelouch, who accepts it gratefully, with a smile on his face.  
  
The sight of that smile makes Suzaku snap. He grips Lelouch’s throat, pressing his thumbs into the latter’s esophagus, intent on killing him then and there.  
  
But Lelouch has to take even that from him, of course he does, just like he’s taken _everything else_ from Suzaku, because then he _asks_ for Suzaku to kill him. The look in his eye (the other one is still covered by an eyepatch, though it’s plain this time, in contrast to the tacky thing he’d worn earlier) is that of a broken man with no reason left to live.  
  
It infuriates Suzaku enough to let the traitor live after all. Lelouch should suffer for what he’s done. He deserves pain.  
  
But Suzaku won’t just let Lelouch sleep on the metal bench without a pillow. He’s not a monster, after all.  
  
Which is why when Lord Kimmel comes, he finds Lelouch asleep on Suzaku’s shoulder.  
  
Lelouch stirs gently, and when he wakes there’s a look of confusion on his face, like he’s not sure why he’s in a cell. Like he can’t remember all the sins he’s committed.  
  
Suzaku hopes that he never forgets those sins. But now is not the time for vengeance. Now is the time for another audience with Emperor Charles.  
  
Suzaku hopes that whatever plan His Majesty has concocted this time is successful. He hates Lelouch, he really does, but a part of him still hates to see him suffer under the overwhelming power of Geass. He hopes that His Majesty is strong enough to bury Lelouch vi Britannia forever this time.  
  
(It’s strange, he muses later. He misses his friend, misses the simple days before Lelouch _lied_ to him, _betrayed_ him, but he wants Lelouch erased. He hates Lelouch for using his Geass power, and yet hopes that the Emperor can use _his_ Geass power.  
  
Suzaku’s mind drifts to Lloyd. He’d said that contradiction would get Suzaku killed one day.  
  
Suzaku hopes that he’s right.)  
  
0.  
  
For a second time, Suzaku pins a bound Lelouch to the floor, covers his left eye, drags him upwards by his hair.  
  
For a second time, Suzaku listens in horror as Lelouch’s screams of agony fill the throne room.

**Author's Note:**

> "In persona Charles" is a reference to "in persona Christi" In the Catholic faith, we believe that the priest is acting "in persona Christi," or "in the person of Christ," when he hears Confessions and celebrates the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Julius is acting "in persona Charles," or "in the person of Charles."
> 
> Scream into the void with me at [senpai-san.tumblr.com](http://senpai-san.tumblr.com)


End file.
